humor · life

I have the most loyal people

So loyal. I could post the tax code and still draw a yuuuuge crowd of adoring fans. They love me no matter what I do. Just look at the fantastic numbers on my twitter account; I have 35 followers. Do you believe that? Thirty flipping five. And those aren’t fake followers, those aren’t bots. They’re devoted readers, fabulous people who cherish my every word. Including covfefe and unpresidented.

My fans don’t care if I make sense. They don’t mind if my verb tenses agree or if  my claims are preposterous, they worship me. They love the fact I‘m unhinged, it makes me relatable. The crazier I act, the louder they cheer. I make wild assertions — like ‘I drew the biggest crowd ever in history’ or ‘lizard people run public television’  — and folks believe me. It’s amazing.

Fact checkers and grammarians are overpaid hacks, anyway. I’m an original; I think for myself and create my own reality. I spell according to whim and believe punctuation is for suckers. ALL CAPS and EXCLAMATION POINTS, those are the marks of great intelligence! The fake smarties depend on books and research and experts. They use footnotes and paragraphs, logic, neurons. Sheesh, all I need is 140 characters.    

The important thing is, I’m a winner. All I do is win. Win, win, win, win win, win!!!!!!  And I know everything. What I don’t know I just make up. Even words, I make those up, too — mostly by mistake. And they become the most popular words in the world. Everyone uses them, but no one knows what they mean. Except me. I know. I’d tell you, but it’s classified, a major secret, very bigly, so I can’t.

I, alone, am Queen of this vast, sprawling domain, and I make the rules. I do not follow them. Your deep, undying loyalty will, of course, be rewarded with a quick toss under the bus. You’re welcome :o)

copyright © 2017 the whirly girl


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