humor · life

resolutions for the underachiever

slugThroughout our lifetimes, we’re offered endless opportunities to fail. And you know me, I don’t skimp. I grabbed every single one — from giant flamers to dainty piffles — and gave it a shot. They mostly shot back, a phenomenon known as backfiring. Well, no more.

Starting right here, right now, right out of the gate, I’m setting myself up for success on New Year’s Day. Join me, won’t you? Downsize your damn resolutions. I know it’s hard; making the grand gesture demonstrates such good intentions. It shows true spirit, those lofty, pie-in-the-sky goals do. Plus, we get a little buzz of pride, which is fun.

But then enthusiasm turns to boredom. Boredom turns to lethargy. Lethargy morphs into resentment. And your resentment leads to abandonment; you avoid even the thought of your ill-advised goals and never mention them again. Eventually, they fizzle to death. And those are the six stages of resolution.

Well, no failures allowed this year. The bar is set comfortably low. I’ve guaranteed my success by crafting an effortless agenda, pictured below. Please, feel free to use my resolutions as a guide. They’re verified and notarized, all nice and legal. Notice how attainable the tasks are? That’s intentional; I embraced my limitations.

Good luck, boys and girls. I wish you victory in your every endeavor, this year and in all the years to follow. Remember, low expectations are the key to happiness and fulfillment.

copyright © 2017 (yay, me!) the whirly girl


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